Contemplation

Since my blog is a kind of a therapy for my mental health, I guess this is one of those things called ”sumpah serapah yang diperhalus”. Google it.

Where to begin? Hmm..

I guess those sumpah serapah sort have faded away a little bit since I woke up from nap 2 hours ago.

I often think that my weakness is always trying to make all the things perfect and the worst thing of all is I’m not easily forgive myself for the things I think I should have done.

Like today.

Today is marketing plan presentation day for my team. This marketing plan has already got into my nerves as hell since a month ago.

Why? My lecturer got high expectation for the class performance so he set the score based on his experience when he studied abroad. I love the way he thinks that we, as students, here in Indonesia, need more challenges than what we usually get from standard education here. He said, as Indonesian students, who get lack challenges in developing our competencies in school yet only got nonstop pressure to reach high scores.

Okay, I agree with him on all points. Until, I got the so-not-kind-of-my-team. Ugh.

I’m okay to be friend with them outside class, but to form a team with them I should check my blood pressure to make sure that I wasn’t going to pass out. It’s sort of a mini-hell for me. Ya, menurut ngana?

I think I’m a perfectionist in a way that I prefer to work with only myself than in a 5 persons each team. Sometimes, I’d rather to work in a team only consist of 2 persons (including myself) than more. If there were 3 persons, I prefer to have all of the member have the way of work as I am or have more perfect vision than me, I mean; don’t procrastinate things, noticing every detail (qualified to be an editor), not a “yes man”. You know what I mean lah. *and Singlish accent came out in a sudden*

I worked on the strategic planning and them on the rest of how to implement the plan.

I got 4 friends, all girls, in my team.

First girl, she worked collecting data. She always tried to reach me every time she got new data and discussing things with me about the progress of our marketing plan.

Second girl, she was trying to complete the part where she should work on, but only work the half of it. It’s like you don’t even google it, man. Seriously?

Third girl, she’s the one who never stop complaining in her whole life I guess. Every time she gets assignment, she only got one thing to do in first place for sure, whining. Blah. When I gave her the part of marketing plan she should working on, she complained that she didn’t know how to work on that because she can’t read English. In Indonesia, that’s the time when you start to “ngelus-ngelus dada” then hit your head onto the wall. Bam!

Fourth girl, she never came to our planned-day-to-work-together. Until, the day before the D-day, she came. I tried to trust her to do the rest of the work, to edit it. Turned out, she even didn’t edit our paper and PowerPoint in decent way. That’s the problem of this morning to be mourned of.

The stupid thing was, I realized that so many mistakes, unedited words and sentences both in our paper and PowerPoint. And at some point, I only rest the presentation to the quote “que sera, sera”. I have to go all-out to presenting the plan in maximum performance.

The first turn to present the marketing plan was my team. Okay, everything went quite alright.

But when we finished it, my lecturer said that my team’s idea was great, but.. BUT, THE PAPER WAS SO TRASHY.

Well, it wasn’t what he really said, but it was just the same meaning when he said, “This marketing plan assignment I gave for you guys wasn’t quite different with how competition goes. You know, when in MasterChef, the judges often directly throw the unqualified dish to the dustbin after they tasted it. And that’s the same way goes to this paper. I don’t think you guys work seriously on this despite on the deadline. No matter how deadline rushes, it has to be done on time with your whole focus on it. And not like this. I hope you understand that this is the way you learn from your failure. I always hope that you guys can improve this and be ready in your future work life as a real manager. ”

At first, I thought that this was our fault. Then I thought this was her fault. After that, I thought, this was my fault.

Our fault, to not focusing on those little-but-important-things. Her fault, to not editing things decently. My fault, to not carefully read the paper before my friend print it.

It’s too late to regretting those ridiculously simple things.

Sometimes, it takes time to forgive myself on this kinda situation because I always think that this thing is still on my reach. I should’ve corrected those unedited paper, I should’ve remembered my friend to edit it before she print it, I should’ve read it before my friend print it, or maybe I should’ve edited and printed the paper by myself instead.

But then, to manage my disappointment on what happened today, when I woke up from nap, I realized that this is the way I learn things from failure. How I manage to bounce back from the failure to my way to the future awesomeness. When I know how to fall, sure I will know how to get up and chin up. I’m still breathing, alive, and my life is still a long journey to go, it’s not end just here and now.

What I learned today is my lecturer tough love to his students, including me for sure. What I reached today might a form of a huge disappointment, but when I can manage it well, when I know how to improve to be a better version of myself as individual, I can reach my dream future. 

We should value integrity, honesty, and discipline in every little thing we do. I believe in those three things will lead us to our dream come true. Because I live in my peaceful life in the making.

Anyways, I still really hope to get a not-so-bad score for this one subject. If I got to done the remedial (makeup exam), I pray to get a decent score so I won't take the same class in the next semester when I plan to work on my thesis. Amen.

Thank God for giving me these insights today. 

P.S. May Nelson Mandela rest in lovely peace (1918-2013)

I sorta need someone to talk to. Well, if we didn't know each other yet, then it's okay. I love to make friends :) I need to have deep conversation (of course not like that random convo I've written above)  and be enlighten with different vibe. that's all. Visit about.me/manuelandini, e-mail me there.

See ya when I see ya!