Sensing The Scent of Sensitivity (Quiet)

I’ve always been that INTJ person who seems to be selfish and keep it all to myself. Sometimes wish I were the extrovert, you know. But the last test I took online didn’t prove I’m the one with its traits. Well, will it change?

Some might see me as an uptight person. I know from the jokes and statement they threw to me. I know and I can feel it. It hurt so badly, but as time passes, those feel just like the usual jokes I got to laugh at too. Somehow we got to laugh at ourselves, right? So it doesn’t feel that much hurt when life throws us jokes. Mostly are ridiculously painful jokes that seem no fun no more. But hey, the universe has its way to tell us a great mystery behind all that experiences. Silver lining, indeed.

I’ve been confused in my whole life for being an introvert. I may not that kind who trying to do things impulsively, well most of the time – I’m suffering analysis-paralysis. I just can take any decision and get no result whatsoever. I blame myself. But when I took fast decision and the result turns out bad, I’ll drown in sorrow and blame myself all over again. Of course, I react differently when the results turns out good. So, what’s is all about? What’s wrong with me?

***

Last Sunday I went to my childhood church to meet my friend and attend the Mass together. I love the lively ambience there and I guess I will always go back there to reminiscing some good memories. My parents' holy matrimony was held there, and so was the baptism ceremony for my sister and I.

Long story short, after the Mass we went to the nearest mall. On a long stroll around the mall, I ended in a bookstore. I ran out of good books so there I was, while reading the books’ synopsis, I checked the reviews & ratings on Goodreads. And then, I spotted a white-covered book with its embossed title. Quiet.

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking

by Susan Cain

The reviews and rating are great. It’s not pricey also. I took it to the cashier and trying to save it for my me-time later. I just knew this book was going to be so worth it. (I know part of me was trying to hold me back from this kind of over enthusiasm, just to make sure I’m lower the expectation).

Two days after I purchased it, I ripped the plastic which wrapped on it and read it for the first time. From the very first page, on every single review and feedback from the other authors about the book. So intriguing. It fascinates me so much until now (I just read half of it). I should have saved it little by little but this is such a page-turner that I can’t stop reading.

This book 'peels' layer by layer of introversion. From psychology, anthropology, to neuroscience. Do you know, Asia and Africa have more introversion traits that shaped their culture than America and Europe? It’s in the DNA too. And do you know, one third of populations are introverts?

Being in the world that courage most of us to be more extrovert, from our childhood to the period when we’re on our career now, mostly make us, the introverts, confused for being different for not knowing how to make the best of us that would shape us the way world wanting from us too. We’re wronged to be the most uptight person. I remember most of the time I reacted to the simple casual question while chit-chatting, often I answered it with what I observe all this time and being quite serious about it. Yes, we’re the sensitive ones. We’re once the high-reactive baby that quite, serious, or sensitive that have been overlooked in the world of extroverts, all this time (find out more in Quiet what I’m talking about).

For most of the time, I’m in dilemma for expressing this kind of sensitive/serious side of me because it’s considered as uptight and not fun while on the inside I feel what I express is pretty much what’s in my head. So, most of the time I’m just faking it, laughing at it, and I’m not trying to arguing further. The downside is, I’m not really comfortable with public speaking task, which make me don’t want to argue with the majority. Since, the introverts avoid conflicts. Fortunately, I’ve been practicing to handle all those fears with joining school and faculty committee and volunteered in some non-profit organizations back then, also, my previous job was public relation which forced me to meeting people with vibrant vibes, loud, and can’t stop talking. It was hard at the first time, but I managed to handle it pretty well. Yay!

Good thing is, Cain’s research results are giving me confidence to know that some of the revolutionaries, from Rosa Parks, Eleanor Roosevelt, to Steve Wozniak are those people born with introversion. She explained why those people were able to lead in their ‘silence’ and how to intensify their strength with those their introvert’s traits. They were able to be cooperative with other people, as long as the values offered by them were not contrast with their principle and moral integrity. We’re not shaken!

Cain’s also provide us ways to be more flexible, blend in with the 'loud surroundings', from various field of life from relationship life to work life, like she wrote in chapter 8: When Should You Act To Be More Extrovert Than You Really Are. I’m not reaching there yet, but can’t wait to turning every single page with curiosity like I always do to this book. Lifelong learning is what I need.

After reaching a half of the book, I feel quite sure that I’m not weird. I just belong to those one third of populations. I even talking to myself to calm those thoughts in my head and this action considered as a natural way – I relieved and can sleep in peace now.

P.S: Susan Cain also have self-help website for fellow introverts to understand their strength in Quiet Revolution (clik here). Find the tribe's writings there. And, of course, this is not a cult.

P.S.S: Watch her talk about introversion (summary of her book) in TedTalks.

Hidup Udah Sampai Mana, La?

Katanya, untuk menyelesaikan sebuah tulisan tapi stuck mau nulis apa lagi, harus dicoba nulis langsung. Harus terjun langsung. Yang penting nulis, yang penting ngetik. Then, the rest will follow.

Same with me.

Segala pikiran in these past months udah numpuk gak karuan di kepala. Sudah ada niat mau nulis segalanya disini, kayak dulu jaman kuliah yang lumayan rutin, ketika jatuh cinta ke lubang yang salah hahaha atau ketika fed up with something I didn't like. Vent, let it all out.

Excusesnya sekarang adalah...

Ngantuk, rasanya mau tidur aja. Hahaha
Batal deh nulisnya.

Padahal,

Pas badan udah rebahan di kasur dan mata sudah berusaha menutup, pikiran-pikiran yang seharusnya dituangkan di sini malah makin bertambah liar di alam pikiran dan makin menyebalkan. Frustasi sendiri. Ngomong sama siapa di saat begini. Padahal saya juga mesti menenangkan pikiran di saat-saat tidur malam biar paginya saya bisa bangun pagi dengan pikiran dan badan yang lebih fresh.

Pernah sih, saya curhat ke beberapa teman terdekat saya tentang keluhan yang ada di kepala saya. Tapi saya rasa mereka juga sudah bosan dengan segala keluhan saya yang tiap hari sama aja gak ada bedanya. Saya menyebalkan, ya? Hahaha memang.

Saya memang pernah dilanda intense mind war ketika SMA dan sempat kosnultasi ke psikolog juga pada saat itu karena bujukan Papa yang tiap hari ngeliat saya bawaanya murung terus. (Yes, itu ada di previous blogpost yang entah kapan). Si psikolog ini sempet bilang kalo baiknya ketika ada perasaan yang mengganggu, sebaiknya diceritain ke siapa yang menurut saya bisa dipercaya dan terdekat. Hmm.. waktu SMA aja saya bisa dibilang melalui masa adaptasi yang lumayan panjang karena saya bocah Jakarta yang pindah ke Jogja dengan perbedaan kulturnya. Dan kebetulan teman-teman yang saya temui cukup ajaib hahaha. Maklum, sekolah homogen yang isinya cewek semua. Temenan sama cewek itu ternyata sebegini ribetnya dengan segala rasa suka dan ketidaksukaannya yang kadang drama ya. Padahal dari jaman TK juga temen deket saya juga cewek. Tapi pas cewek dikumpulin sebanyak ini, seru ternyata.

Oh ya, sebenarnya penyebab intense mind war itu penyebabnya karena pada saat itu saya memiliki harapan yang cukup tinggi, tapi ya realitanya gak gitu. Mungkin karena saya juga pingin diterima dalam kehidupan sosial beberapa teman saya. Entah saya memang dikecewakan atau saya memang gak bisa manage harapan sendiri aja waktu itu.

Somehow, I take it too seriously. And keep it to myself.

Well, memang gak sehat. I'm an observer and questioner.
I know it's somehow annoying to listen to people who complaining all the same thing over and over again. That's why I'd like to keep it to myself. Only myself. Sampai akhirnya ketika saya nyoba untuk nyeritain masalah saya, it sounds more like complaining all over again. Saya kesel sama diri saya sendiri. Kenapa saya mengeluhkan hal yang sama. Kenapa saya gak segera berusaha keluar dari masalah ini.

Saya sudah sempat mengecewakan Mama dan teman terdekat saya. I snapped at them when they tried to talk to me while I was doing that-so-called-routine. It hurts me so bad, like until now. Dua-duanya terjadi pada saat yang berbeda, tapi dengan kejadian yang sama. Hal ini terjadi berulang. Kesel sama diri sendiri tapi ya udah kejadian beberapa minggu lalu. Intinya, biarpun udah terjadi tempo lalu, saya gak mau ini terjadi di masa yang akan datang.

I need a real break.
I need to breathe.

Oke. Sebenernya tadi mau nulis apa ya. Lupa.

I'm Making My Own Mess

Well, partially.
#whenegokicksin

Ignorance is a bliss. Overthinking is a curse.

Where's your ignorance?
Why do you still overthinking things over and over again while you already knew the consequences?
Why?
Why?

Then it's all blurred up.

There's a way.
There must be a way to get out of this.
You can't be like this forever.

Contemplation

Since my blog is a kind of a therapy for my mental health, I guess this is one of those things called ”sumpah serapah yang diperhalus”. Google it.

Where to begin? Hmm..

I guess those sumpah serapah sort have faded away a little bit since I woke up from nap 2 hours ago.

I often think that my weakness is always trying to make all the things perfect and the worst thing of all is I’m not easily forgive myself for the things I think I should have done.

Like today.

Today is marketing plan presentation day for my team. This marketing plan has already got into my nerves as hell since a month ago.

Why? My lecturer got high expectation for the class performance so he set the score based on his experience when he studied abroad. I love the way he thinks that we, as students, here in Indonesia, need more challenges than what we usually get from standard education here. He said, as Indonesian students, who get lack challenges in developing our competencies in school yet only got nonstop pressure to reach high scores.

Okay, I agree with him on all points. Until, I got the so-not-kind-of-my-team. Ugh.

I’m okay to be friend with them outside class, but to form a team with them I should check my blood pressure to make sure that I wasn’t going to pass out. It’s sort of a mini-hell for me. Ya, menurut ngana?

I think I’m a perfectionist in a way that I prefer to work with only myself than in a 5 persons each team. Sometimes, I’d rather to work in a team only consist of 2 persons (including myself) than more. If there were 3 persons, I prefer to have all of the member have the way of work as I am or have more perfect vision than me, I mean; don’t procrastinate things, noticing every detail (qualified to be an editor), not a “yes man”. You know what I mean lah. *and Singlish accent came out in a sudden*

I worked on the strategic planning and them on the rest of how to implement the plan.

I got 4 friends, all girls, in my team.

First girl, she worked collecting data. She always tried to reach me every time she got new data and discussing things with me about the progress of our marketing plan.

Second girl, she was trying to complete the part where she should work on, but only work the half of it. It’s like you don’t even google it, man. Seriously?

Third girl, she’s the one who never stop complaining in her whole life I guess. Every time she gets assignment, she only got one thing to do in first place for sure, whining. Blah. When I gave her the part of marketing plan she should working on, she complained that she didn’t know how to work on that because she can’t read English. In Indonesia, that’s the time when you start to “ngelus-ngelus dada” then hit your head onto the wall. Bam!

Fourth girl, she never came to our planned-day-to-work-together. Until, the day before the D-day, she came. I tried to trust her to do the rest of the work, to edit it. Turned out, she even didn’t edit our paper and PowerPoint in decent way. That’s the problem of this morning to be mourned of.

The stupid thing was, I realized that so many mistakes, unedited words and sentences both in our paper and PowerPoint. And at some point, I only rest the presentation to the quote “que sera, sera”. I have to go all-out to presenting the plan in maximum performance.

The first turn to present the marketing plan was my team. Okay, everything went quite alright.

But when we finished it, my lecturer said that my team’s idea was great, but.. BUT, THE PAPER WAS SO TRASHY.

Well, it wasn’t what he really said, but it was just the same meaning when he said, “This marketing plan assignment I gave for you guys wasn’t quite different with how competition goes. You know, when in MasterChef, the judges often directly throw the unqualified dish to the dustbin after they tasted it. And that’s the same way goes to this paper. I don’t think you guys work seriously on this despite on the deadline. No matter how deadline rushes, it has to be done on time with your whole focus on it. And not like this. I hope you understand that this is the way you learn from your failure. I always hope that you guys can improve this and be ready in your future work life as a real manager. ”

At first, I thought that this was our fault. Then I thought this was her fault. After that, I thought, this was my fault.

Our fault, to not focusing on those little-but-important-things. Her fault, to not editing things decently. My fault, to not carefully read the paper before my friend print it.

It’s too late to regretting those ridiculously simple things.

Sometimes, it takes time to forgive myself on this kinda situation because I always think that this thing is still on my reach. I should’ve corrected those unedited paper, I should’ve remembered my friend to edit it before she print it, I should’ve read it before my friend print it, or maybe I should’ve edited and printed the paper by myself instead.

But then, to manage my disappointment on what happened today, when I woke up from nap, I realized that this is the way I learn things from failure. How I manage to bounce back from the failure to my way to the future awesomeness. When I know how to fall, sure I will know how to get up and chin up. I’m still breathing, alive, and my life is still a long journey to go, it’s not end just here and now.

What I learned today is my lecturer tough love to his students, including me for sure. What I reached today might a form of a huge disappointment, but when I can manage it well, when I know how to improve to be a better version of myself as individual, I can reach my dream future. 

We should value integrity, honesty, and discipline in every little thing we do. I believe in those three things will lead us to our dream come true. Because I live in my peaceful life in the making.

Anyways, I still really hope to get a not-so-bad score for this one subject. If I got to done the remedial (makeup exam), I pray to get a decent score so I won't take the same class in the next semester when I plan to work on my thesis. Amen.

Thank God for giving me these insights today. 

P.S. May Nelson Mandela rest in lovely peace (1918-2013)

I sorta need someone to talk to. Well, if we didn't know each other yet, then it's okay. I love to make friends :) I need to have deep conversation (of course not like that random convo I've written above)  and be enlighten with different vibe. that's all. Visit about.me/manuelandini, e-mail me there.

See ya when I see ya!

Mystery

So, I know this person, like, I only know his name. Not his life.

What I see is.. He seems to be a kind of quiet person. He doesn’t talk much. He only talks when somebody asks him something. I thought he was some kind of arrogant person who doesn’t really need to talk with other people who got different interests with him. He has great talent in certain sport (clue: involving bouncing ball), he was in this sport club in my uni.

One more fact. He was my junior high school friend's friend. Our junior high school is in the same municipality back in my hometown. When I first see him, I saw something familiar. I asked one of my junior high school friends to ensure that. Turned out, my friend said, they know each other.

I was in the same class with him a semester ago. Still, I saw him as a really quite person. My girlfriends and I only could watch him from afar and talked about how cool he was, even though we were in the same class.I never had a chance to talk to him because, yeah, you know the point. Besides, I didn’t know what to ask. It’s not that I have crush on him. No. It was just--okay, he’s not even that ugly, but I can’t read his mind. Err.. I don’t mean that I can read people’s mind. Ugh. How to say this.. You’ll figure out yourself after I finish telling you all of this.

I rarely saw him in campus cafeteria or even in campus itself. I, once, in my second year in uni, had a chance to work with him in a team (though we were in the different divisions). He came hurriedly to every meeting and always watched his watch so he could get to campus gymnasium on time after meeting, for him doing his routines with his team with campus sport club. I remembered that he could laugh at those girl freshmen who attended our organization’s initiation. (Of course he can do it, the fact that he is still a human, silly me)

It’s been a long time not to see him in campus. I never looking for him, but, you know, by the fact that his height is incredible; in the crowd nothing can be seen but his figure. Now, you got my point. See now that I don’t have crush on him? He’s taken, anyway. Just don’t wish me so. I hardly ever see him in campus. I repeat. I hardly ever see him in campus.

Until, I met him the last Monday. I stunned.

Monday.

I got home in the afternoon, leyeh-leyeh, had lunch with my parents. And there it was, the electricity was off.It was around 34°C, damn hot. My parents were going to daily fellowship service at my neighbor’s house which I didn’t really want to go for some excuses. I didn’t want to stay at home also, which I felt like laying on a pan in heated oven. Where to go.. where to go..I IM-ed my friends where they were at the moment, they were still in campus. Go to campus? I can’t see the point to make myself even more comfortable there. I “lived” in my campus for over 2 years, day and night. Why bother staying there?

Light bulb above my head blazed. Hey, air-conditioned mall, see you soon!I rode my scooter motor to the mall. I headed directly to the café I often visit with my partners-in-crime. There was this sweet barista we always talked about had resigned since September 30^th. He majored in International Relations, which the huge major I admired the most. Since he had resigned, we always wondered who will be replaced him there. I couldn’t see anyone behind the counter and around the cafe. I guess all the baristas are busy both in the office and the other cleaning the outdoor table.

I turned my head back and my eyes looking around the café. My eyes catch the familiar figure brought the cleaning tray from outdoor smoking area, I guessed he was just finished cleaning the table there. He approached the counter.

I stunned.

“I’m sorry for the waiting..” He smiled.

“You-- work here?” I asked, almost stumbled.

“Hehe. Yes, I’m new here. What do you want to order?”

I ordered a tall-sized cup of green tea frap and I chose java chip frap as the free gift from Octofest promo the café gave to those café card holders. I asked him to put the java chip frap in the tumbler I brought. I ordered cinnamon roll too, my favorite snack every time I visit the café. He asked me whether to heat it or not, I chose yes.

I wondered why I never saw him in campus since a semester ago.

So I asked, “Are you now working on your thesis?”

“Hahaha. I’m not. Not yet.” He laughed.“Ooh.. It’s just, I'm rarely seeing you in campus these days.” I just smiled, didn’t know what to say anymore.

“Yeah. I'm rarely going to the campus indeed—Oops. The cashier machine can’t get the bill paper out, I’m sorry. But your card balance already set.”
“Oh it’s okay.”
“Hey, thanks for the order.” He smiled again while passing me the fraps and a plate of cinnamon roll.

”Okay. Thank you.”

I nodded and smiled at him as I carried what I ordered. I’m looking for specifically unoccupied table and electrical plug near it. None. Those were full with people plugging they’re gadgets. Ouch. So I sat on the table on the corner near the door to the smoking area. I take out my laptop and book on the table and started making summary of the chapter 8 for my upcoming presentation. While I was making the summary, eating the c-roll, and drinking my frap, I couldn’t stop wondering why. I know that this is not even my business. I guess my mind is somehow overbearing my brain with the curiosity and it’s not good. Until now.

It's not that he’s bad for doing his job in the café, in fact, I often think that having job before I get graduated would be fun, let alone the other fact that this hospitality service is really needed to those who will face various characters of persons living their daily life. How to face them, how to deal with them. How to be best at communicating with other people.

I looked my watch. Whoops. It’s 21.00. It  has been 3 hours.

I put all the stationary, laptop, and my book to the backpack. Checking if there wasn't anything left on the table. Done.

I went to the counter again. It was still him there.

“Hi. What do you want to order?”

“I want to top-up the card deposit and take away the espresso brownies, please.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. There’s a crash on this cashier machine, it can’t processing the card.”
“Didn’t you say it was only the bill?”
“The bill is okay right after you ordered a moment ago. But about the card, it crashed just now. Hehe..” He slightly laughed.
“Haha.. I see.”

“1 espresso brownie? You want it warm or not?”

“Not, it’s okay. I want to eat it tomorrow.

”He wrapped the brownies and took the money I gave.

I still wondered, so I asked, “Are you still doing basketball?”

“Not anymore. This job really occupies me. You still go to campus, right?”

Finally, he asked me something. 

“Yes, of course. I just had a class this morning.”

“Okay, here you go. Thank you so much for coming!”

“Okay. Thank you!”

Actually, the brownies is still in my fridge. Hahaha. I plan to eat it either tonight or tomorrow. And if one of you thinks that this story will has the ending with him dating me, you just have to get out from your bed, stop watching those cheap FTV-drama-sinetron-you name it, and try to get used to watch Disney Channel instead.

I always remember that: Curiosity sometimes kills. You just have to filter what you really need to know, and what you shouldn’t know. If you destined to crack the code, then you’ll know what really happens inside the box. If the universe doesn’t even give you the chance to meet another coincidence more than twice, let it be just the mystery.

"You don't need to actually know the person, you just need to feel related to their story. Then you will understand." - @catwomanizer

Bald and Bold

It's been more than 2 weeks after I shaved my head bald.

Surprisingly, I've done some social experiments during that time and will continue to do that until next 3 months, I guess. It's not over yet actually :)))

Day One. Monday, 2 September 2013

Friend 1: "Rambut kamu kenapa, Laaa??"

Friend 2: "La, lo sakit apa?"

Friend 3: "SAKIT JIWAAAAA LO, LAAAAA!! Eh tapi bagus sih. Hehehe."

Friend 4: *usrek-usrek kepala gue* *ketemu lagi* *usrek-usrek lagi*

Friend 5: "You, seriously--? Whoa." *high five* *but, since I'm short, that was low five*

Many more.

Okay. That happened in campus.

And one of my friend in Jakarta, let just call her Sita. *emang namanya itu sih*, minta skype-an sama gue biar bisa liat rambut gue bentuknya gimana. Eh 2 minggu kemudian, doi ikutan Shave For Hope juga yang di Jakarta. Potongannya bob nungging. Bwahahaha. Looks cute, though.

I've seen many people watching me as I have this "breakthrough" haircut.

They might got curious-because they really are-with what happened to me by took notice on my head.

Some whispered to their friend next to them, some smiled to me, some even observed me from my head to toe. *that is still be the most irritating part of all*

The rest of those, greeted everytime they met me like never before. Hahahaha. Life's full of surprise :))

When I got irritated, I remembered the reason why I went bald, after that, I can smile to those who looking at me.

Some asked why I shaved my head, I just let them know that I joined SFH. And the rest, I gladly set my face to ear-to-ear smile and "ehehehe" to let them assuming what actually happened to me. Because, you know, I kinda tired answering those same questions all over again.

Some of my friends who knew that told me to print some SFH brochures to those asking me the questions.

Their brilliant idea won't let me do that, though. Hahahaha.

Anyway, every time I met foreigners, they never look me closely from head to toe. They just didn't care if you are bald or not. It was nice.

Despite of the irritating part by people watching me closely, being bald is not that bad at all.

I'm truly enjoyed it.

Why?

Because my head never got air to breathe since my hair is thick and now it feels so light like never before.

Because I can lay on bed straight after I wash my hair.

Because I never got free bad hair day for 24/7.

Because I love washing my hair.

Because I love my shampoo.

Because some of my friends and my family member told me that I looking geewd by this new look :))

And the top of it, I'm proud being myself. I'm glad to share this bald-looking to my dearest brothers and sisters who suffer cancer.

Now I know why girls being bald get attention much than boys like they were a freak-show.

The world keeps turning and you just can't set a lot of people's mind in a second to think that girls being bald is okay.

Remember, I don't say all of people's mind.

Just be our own self. Let them judging.

As long as we know how to improve ourselves to a better future, as long as we know how to respect other people, as long as we know how to open our minds to other people's critics and ideas, as long as we don't cause any harm, let us be on our way.

God bless.